Organically Inclined

I had a wonderful time at the beach with my kids last week. I was sad that all of my children weren’t there - my oldest son Matt recently got a new job and had to remain home to work. I was, however, proud of him for taking it well and being so willing to work (and take care of the house and animals while we were gone).

There were, of course, plenty of stressors on our trip. There was the 10-hour car ride; staying with my parents; very hot days; a four hour ride to the beach later in the week; staying in a hotel room with five children; sand in my bed…sunscreen in my nose - you name it! But I had fun! And it wasn’t because of the dinners out or the air conditioning or the fact that there were so many activities the kids were never bored. It was because I focused on viewing our vacation through their eyes. I was “in” Jack’s joy as he ran in and out of the surf - or discovered the most beautiful rag tag seashell you ever saw. I walked slowly up the boardwalk - at Jack’s pace - with Kiara on my back as we investigated every sign and played every video game.

I didn’t have a lot of money to “blow” but I took my luxuries in afternoon naps in the hotel room listening to the ocean while the kids chilled out before dinner. Or in sitting on the balcony and watching people walk by.

But at the same time, I was disturbed by a lot of what I saw.

I listened as a young mother yelled at her two year old (ish) son to “Hurry up,” in the potty and I listened as he wailed that he couldn’t go that fast. Then I watched her drag him back out into the lobby of the rest stop. Meanwhile, I was still standing in the stall of the bathroom where Jack told me to “turn around” while he went to the bathroom, so ended up talking to a stall door for 10 minutes.

I watched as sweaty child after sweaty child was pushed and pulled to “walk faster” and yelled at to “put that down” or “pick that up.”

Let me be clear, the place we went is a vacation destination…rarely are there people there who are not in vacation mode. You aren’t going to be running routine errands on the boardwalk. So, why all of the pushing and pulling and hurrying up to have fun?

I have no idea. It seemed so insane to me. Was I really supposed to yank my sons off the beach, where they were having a perfectly delightful time, because it was “time” to go have “fun” doing something else?

I know it’s hard sometimes to be patient as a parent. People get crabby. I am crabby often! However, it’s essential that we learn to remove ourselves from the equation when reacting to something our child is doing.

I used to hate mundane tasks like washing dishes, folding clothes or weeding the garden. Not just dislike - HATE! I avoided it at all costs. I made my kids do it. I volunteered to do other chores if someone else would do those. They were so boring. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it and could only get through them with music blasting.

Then I read a book where the writer had been to Plum Village, a retreat led by Thich Nhat Hanh. He encouraged smiling while doing the dishes. I thought that sounded dumb. Smile? What good is smiling going to do? It’s not going to wash the dishes any faster.

But, one afternoon, there was momentous pile of dishes of to do - and no child over the age of 3 in sight! So I settled into to do them and then, remembering what I had read, I looked out my window and smiled. Self-conscious, but determined, I continued to smile and realized about half way through the dish pile that I didn’t seem to mind doing the dishes. In fact, I was enjoying - enjoying? - myself. It seemed impossible. But there it was. I had been concentrating so much on the smile - and probably how dumb I looked smiling - that I my hate for the task at hand had vanished. I scrubbed and rinsed with a new silly smile on my face and have volunteered to do the dishes (most nights) ever since. I’ve also, in the past few years, started to enjoy the peace and quiet of weeding in the garden or folding laundry on our big dining room table while chaos surrounds me.

What does this have to do with parenting? It’s simple - it’s about finding joy. Taking myself out of the equation is essential to family harmony. If Jack (who is 3), is pounding on the piano, I could get really irritated because he is disturbing my peace. However, looking at it from his point of view, my getting angry is disturbing his joy! So, now when Jack pounds the piano, I smile. I try and find his joy.

When my 10 and 12 year old boys are arguing, I usually try and stay out of it, but sometimes they bring me right into it. Rather than freak and send people away (which I’ve been known to do), I try and smile and have them each sit. Rather than sentence each of them to their own separate space (which is probably what they’d prefer anyway), I have them talk and then find an activity they can do together.

Last night, Jack woke up from a fitful sleep screaming because he has pink eye and his eyes were stuck together and he was just feeling cruddy overall. Because he started screaming, Kiara (9 months) woke up…crying. And then, in an effort to help me my husband John walked over but accidently kicked a glass of soda over! Ugh! I could feel the anxiety building up in me. I just wanted to yell. I did actually have to yell at Jack once, but that was just so he could hear me, his eyes were almost completely swollen shut and he was screaming so loud he couldn’t hear anything!

So, I sat there, with a screaming Jack on my lap, a crying Kiara next to me and my husband running for a towel which he thought he was going to use to mop up the soda, but it turns out we are going to need it for Jack who has decided he needs to throw up!

Believe it or not, I smiled. Not meanly…just smiled…and I relaxed almost immediately and was able to calm Jack down with a glass of water. Then I was able to calm Kiara down with a snuggle and a boob. As soon as I relaxed, I was able to focus and move on.

Smiling helps. It calms. It gives you the ability to see the big picture and move past your own ego. Sure, there was a part of me that wanted to put both kids on the couch and run out the door. But what does that show my children? That when things are hard or stressful they should bail?

So, when chaos abounds (as long as it’s happy chaos) or spills happen or someone pees on the floor or someone pukes on you or you’ve come home to a pile of dishes or they all happen at once…just smile - at least a little.