October is Attachment Parenting month. Now, what does it mean, exactly, to attachment parent? Well, I’m sure if you ask 10 different people, you will get 10 different answers. To me, attachment parenting means, in general, to respect my child and be available – emotionally and physically – to them all (or 99 percent) of the time.
I was recently watching a morning show where the segment was all about “making moms feel less guilty.” I’ve got to say, I’m so tired of hearing about the moms! Being a mom is not about us…it’s about the kids! This woman who was being interviewed was saying that it doesn’t matter if you can only spend one or two hours a day with your child – as long as they are quality hours. That’s such a load of #*#$*, if you don’t mind me saying so. I’ve seen what happens to children who don’t have a parent who stays home. It’s not pretty. They are needy children. Very needy. And the needs manifest themselves in a lot of ways.
And Mem Fox (here is her article on the topic) was not wrong when she said that putting infants in daycare was child abuse. I can not, for the life of me, imagine abandoning a child under a year old to the care of someone else – for even a few hours a day! Am I saying that Grandma can’t babysit for the afternoon once in a while? Of course not! It’s really helpful for babies to get to know someone other than mom. My little one, Kiara, is particularly attached to Liam – our 10 year old. Now, I do not leave Liam alone in charge of her if I have to go out, but if I do go to a meeting or run to the store without her, and Dad or one of the teens is home, Liam is “exclusively” in charge of Kiara. He plays with her, changes her, etc. He can even put her to sleep! No one else in the family but me has claimed that distinction – and I usually require a boob to do it!
I’ve said this before and I will say it again. Babies and tots need to be held and loved by their mothers – and fathers – constantly. They need to know that we are always here, not that one day they will turn around and we will have disappeared.
According to Attachment Parenting International, “The long-range vision of Attachment Parenting is to raise children who will become adults with a highly developed capacity for empathy and connection. It eliminates violence as a means for raising children, and ultimately helps to prevent violence in society as a whole.
The essence of Attachment Parenting is about forming and nurturing strong connections between parents and their children. Attachment Parenting challenges us as parents to treat our children with kindness, respect and dignity, and to model in our interactions with them the way we’d like them to interact with others.”
I believe this wholeheartedly. Does this mean I never discipline my children? Of course not. I am known for my roar occasionally and do not tolerate any sort of malice towards others – whether physical or verbal. I have a lot of boys, so it can be hard to distinguish the “boys will be boys” behavior and full on chaos and rebellion. I try to work through it, with patience and an occasional glass of wine on Friday night (Rockand Roll Friday, in our house).
It’s helpful, too, to have forums like API and Mothering Magazine, so that I know I’m not alone.
I encourage you to view the Eight Principles of Attachment Parenting and do something to promote API month! Be attached to your kids…they’re in charge of what nursing home you’ll end up in!
Adele says:
Yay! Thanks for this positive blog on AP. I have gotten lots of slack lately for my AP choices and found myself wondering if I am doing the right thing. It helps to hear from other AP’s out there.
1st October 2008 at 8:37 pm
Cathy Smith says:
Oh, thanks. Really It’s hard enough working 8 hours, commuting for two hours a day, and paying $300 a week in daycare, but then to be called a child abuser by another mom- great. Thanks. That’s really what I needed to hear.
Yeah, i choose to work, because I am choosing to try to keep the rural home my kids have been living in. The disruption of their dad’s income loss was enough of a shock, to them and me, not to mention traumatic to lose a stay at home parent as well.
It really helps to have another mom be so judgemental. I am pretty shocked at this post… especially at yoour statment about having a large family and convictions thereof. I mean, whenyou were young, you left your kids in the CAR while you worked. you were SINGLE. But you are going to bust the parenting style of a mom who is trying her best to provide a home and stabilty for her kids- when the dad has bowed out?
I wonder how long you would be in the farm if John just up and left?
1st October 2008 at 12:38 am
admin says:
Hi Cathy,
I understand your anger, really I do, but it doesn’t sound to me like you CHOOSE to work – that perhaps you have to? It sounds like dad has left and you are single? That seems to me like it’s not a choice – and there is a difference.
Let’s be clear, I do not, for one second, think what I did was right. I am still fighting the guilt and trauma inflicted by my decision. Just because I did have to leave my kids in the car while working, does not make it right. I would never defend it as such. It was simply what I had to do at that time – lacking other alternatives. But let’s assume that most mothers are not in as awkward a situation as I was 11 years ago. Let’s assume that most mothers are not homeless and living out of a car. Let’s assume that their family lives are relatively stable and that they CHOOSE to work because they want to. This is what I am talking about in this article.
It is wrong – absolutely wrong – to abandon a child to daycare when there is any possibility of a parent staying home. Period. I will believe that until my dying day. I will be as frugal as possible in order to make that happen.
But in your anger, I also detect a note of guilt? I think you’d like to be able to stay home and while you’d really like to be mad at me for saying so – I think you might be mad at your man who left. I’m with you there. I know how that feels.
How long would I last on the farm if John up and left? A very long time. It has taken a lot of hard work and a lot of reevaluating my values, but I know now that I could stay here forever. John is not the sole financial support for our family…and neither am I. We work as a team, and if, God forbid, something should happen to him, I would do just fine working from our humble home.
We have made that a priority. Because we have never wanted to put a child in daycare.
1st October 2008 at 1:24 pm
admin says:
A couple other things…first, I have included the quote to Mem Fox’s comments in the article. Check them out, they are very well taken points. The other point I wanted to make was that while I did have to live in my car for three months – I certainly didn’t choose it. Readers of my book will know that I would have preferred to stay home with my kids and care for them full time, but that circumstances made that impossible.
The bottom line is this: everyone has to do what they have to do, but I believe firmly in choosing our children first and always. And I believe that by abandoning them to full time daycare – especially when they are under a year old – is harmful to mothers and babies alike. No matter what the circumstances, and no matter how you try and justify it, it’s harmful to them. That is an undeniable fact. I am sorry if that’s a painful statement to some.
Best,
Mish
1st October 2008 at 8:22 am
admin says:
Further – just because now I’m angry about this – this is just the kind of thing I’m talking about. I’m so tired of hearing about what the mothers want. Who is speaking up for the babies? And – how can you disagree with the fact that a baby needs his mother for at least – the very least – the first year of his life? How have we gotten to a point in our society that, most basic fact, is now in dispute? And we’re going to dare justify it? Are there some mothers who need to work? Certainly, but am I not allowed the opinion that mothers should stay home with their babies? Or bring them to work? Just because it’s not sensitive to a working mother’s feelings? Again, I ask, how about your baby’s feelings?
How does the baby feel when you leave it all day, hopefully in the arms of another – but more likely in a crib, playpen, swing or stroller? How does the baby form a bond with you, if he never gets to know you? I’ve babysat for babies under a year old before and it’s painful to watch them searching for someone to love them, hold them, nurse them.
And – I didn’t say that leaving a baby with a willing partner or relative or good friend wasn’t a good idea – at least once in a while. Sometimes we need a helping hand – we just don’t need other people raising our babies for us – they don’t have the vested interest we have.
As Mem Fox said after her words inspired a few groups to even burn her books (because that always works): “It’s quite normal for us, when we’re threatened by an inconvenient truth, to react with rage, then denial, and then ridicule of the person who relayed the news. Eventually acceptance follows.
I have absolutely no choice but to take it all on the chin. I was the foolhardy messenger.
But please don’t shoot the messenger. For the sake of this country’s babies—their future and ours—could we all now focus on the message instead?”
1st October 2008 at 8:58 am
An angry response to my Attachment Parenting post | Organically Inclined says:
[...] been having a bit of a battle about my Attachment Parenting post. Rather than continue making irate comments on the blog, I thought I’d post my nemesis latest [...]
1st October 2008 at 9:02 am
Cheryl Pope says:
I agree wholeheartedly. Many of these ideas and more are included in my book, 25 Ways To Make Your Child(ren) Feel Special(shameless plug). Happy Attachment Parenting Month!
1st October 2008 at 10:37 pm
Gma Honey says:
To leave your child in daycare or not? Hmmm I made that choice, (with my mothers help, and after working for 5 yrs while my children where in school) and I stayed home with my kids and did home daycare, I can see both sides however because I had family members who had no choice but to go to work, I saw the guilt in their faces when they left their children with me. it’s all too true that by making this choice you decide the course of your childs life, children who have a stay at home parent seem to me to turn out more kind and considerate and are less apt to get into trouble as there is always someone right behind them monitoring them, children who go to daycare seem to be far more independent (which is not always a bad thing) but sometimes find themselves making big decisions for theirselves as no one is around to monitor. I thank my lucky stars everyday that my mom saw the benefit of me being home with the girls and I know that without her I would not have the well rounded happy adult women I have raised. I can honestly say I never had a minutes trouble with any of my girls and we are still very very close and still able to talk things thru to get to the right path, I know my situation was a unique one and not many women have that opportunity, I wish they did. my oldest is having her first baby and she is in the position of having to work in this world of a 2 income family and I cannot financially do for her what my mother did for me, however I will be the watching sophie and am hoping that this will ease some of the quilt my daughter is already feeling for having to work. She knew before she even got pregnant she would not be leaving her child in any daycare as she clearly saw the differences in children while she was growing up and can still see the differences as she is still friends with the girls she started school with. (she is 25, married), really I just wanted to point out that it is the toughest and most guilt ridden choice a parent makes, I believe good parents have to do what they have to for their children and that does include keeping a roof over their head and good food on the table and in this era it takes 2 incomes to do that, or learning how to go without and cut every corner possible and pinch every penney and many of us have not learned to live so frugally, not to mention any child who has ever seen a T.V. or goes to public school knows he must have certain items like “all the other kids do” (clothes, toys, electronics, etc.)just so he or she is not labeled. (Sad but true.)And that is a whole nuther topic, As adults all my daughters have told me how lucky they felt at getting to come home everyday and have me here to greet them, so just for me I know I made the right choice.
1st October 2008 at 9:37 am
Judy McD says:
I used to teach middle school before my boys were born. It would make my colleagues angry when I would say that I could tell in the first week which of my students had been in day care – mostly because their kids were in day care! You are right. day care creates lasting effects on children and no one allows THEM to chooe if they want to turn out that way. Keep fighting the good fight.
1st October 2008 at 4:47 pm
Elaine says:
It’s a good thing that this post was written several years ago. Not to mention, my two year old that attends a home daycare, is the most well-adjusted child i’ve ever seen. She is not needy, as you would claim that she might be. On the contrary, I’ve seen children who do stay at home with their parents that are much more needy than my child. I witness it every time, I drop her off for childcare at the Y and at church. Those children are the ones crying and throwing fits. Mine happily walks in, knowing that she’ll have fun and that i’ll return. I’m wondering in the 2 years that you’ve written this post, if your mind has changed, and if you see how mindless you really are.
1st October 2008 at 6:48 pm
Mish says:
Funny! I don’t consider myself mindless…and I’ll tell you something, it’s the kids who don’t throw fits when separated from their parents for days at a time that I worry about. That’s called lack of attachment my dear and it’s a sad, sad thing. Dropping a child off consistently at one daycare to the next means that they’ve simply gotten accustomed to being left behind and with people they don’t know. Talk to me in five years and we’ll see how great things are…we’ll see how mindless you are then.:-)
1st October 2008 at 6:36 am
Elaine says:
You are mindless to think that people can’t give their child the best of both worlds. That some women want to work in order to provide other things for their child. I think it’s very healthy for children to learn how to seperate themselves from their parents. I didn’t do attachment parenting w/ my child. I whole heartedly disagree with it. She’s a child and I’m her parent. I’m not her friend, she needs my guidance and my love, she’ll have peers that are her friends because she’s being exposed to them. If I didn’t feel comfortable leaving her then I wouldn’t, but I do- 100% and that was the best decision for me and my family. You’re mindless when you can’t see both points of view. I have taken courses in child psychology, behavior development, and child development. I’ve reached the best decision for myself. I do consider you mindless and judgemental.
1st October 2008 at 12:11 pm
Mish says:
Wow. Mindless for having a differing opinion. That’s intelligent discourse right there. It’s sad that you don’t consider your child a friend. I know I’m my children’s mother – but I am also so grateful they feel they can tell me anything without being judged and worrying about what punishment they will get (although they will get one). It’s the saddest thing in the world to me the way mothers have been conned into thinking it’s OK to separate from their children WHEN THEY’RE INFANTS. Please note – I’m talking about infants – not 5 year olds and not 32 year olds. Infants. Babies, who need mothers. But who knows? I could be very wrong. Reading what you’ve written, it seems like perhaps some children would be better off in daycare rather than with mothers who constantly resent them because they can’t go out to work.
1st October 2008 at 2:44 pm
Elaine says:
You’re mindless for not seeing the possibility of another option. Mindless for not seeing that some parents have to work, that some choose to work to provide extras for their family and child- to give the child experiences that they may never have; such as wonderful family vacations and outings. I was home with my child until she was 7 months old. I was present and I still am present in my child’s life. My child will be my friend in time, but right now she’s my child. I don’t resent myself when I can’t work; I love my time home with her, but I also love that I can provide for her beyond measure. You can judge- go ahead- call CPS on me if you feel the need, or on every other working mother. At the end of the day, my family is happy, my child is thriving, and I go to bed, knowing that I’m making the right decision for MY family.
1st October 2008 at 6:31 pm
Mish says:
If you had read any further, you would have seen that I, of course, know that some parents have to work, that I wish more fathers would stay home, and that sometimes there are no other options. Just because someone has to do something doesn’t mean it’s in the best interest of the child. I’m strictly speaking from the perspective of the infant and any infant under the age of 12 months is better off at home with a loving mother to care for him than at a daycare center, and on that you will not change my mind.
1st October 2008 at 9:32 pm